Futility of Life…in a Good Way
Recently, I’ve had a lot of time to do cross-stitching and this has caused me to consider the futility of life.
photo taken by Anna Candlish
Note, that sentence is intended to have a bit of humor as I expect many people would not necessarily follow this path of thoughts when imitating a pattern of X’s on cloth intended to form a picture of Buddha, but for whatever reason it’s where my mind meandered. What’s more, I don’t even think recognizing the futility of existence needs to be a dark thought, and this essay suggests how such a realization can be freeing and affirming. Follow along.
Society suggests that a life goal should be to leave some sort of permanence in the world. This might not be stated directly, but achievements that are celebrated tend to bask in the ideal of continuation – earning a fortune and having your name set in the stone of a building you funded; creating a piece of art that will be recognized and treasured, possibly for centuries yet to come; joining in love with another person to form a child who will carry a thought process and genes into the world that came from you – the list rambles into infinity – teachers imparting wisdom to students, scholars researching new brilliance that alters understanding, a heroic deed recorded in the annals of history for evermore…. Any such achievement is certainly praiseworthy and should be appropriately documented, celebrated and blazed upon the zeitgeist, but as I continue countless hours of stitching my mind has come to question the grandeur we use to decorate such accomplishments – how we suggest permanence when the everlasting quality of any achievement is a fallacy.
When studying music in undergraduate school, I had the privilege of studying with composer Allen Shawn for one year, and while many lessons he shared continue to flutter in my mind, one moment in particular shimmers with slightly stronger colors – we (as a class) were analyzing the Goldberg Variations by JS Bach and acknowledged how Bach’s ideas, written for this score in 1741, continue to resonate in the world today. In some way Bach is still active in the world today through the musical ideas he composed. As the lecture and discussion reached conclusion, Professor Shawn had a moment when his eyes drifted into fantasy and he muttered, “Imagine, immortality in music.”
This idea and those words have rested in my mind for nearly two decades and were viewed with romantic idealism as a beautiful way of attaining the unattainable – finding infinite existence through dedication to work that produces a thing outside of yourself – but recently, while stitching my X’s, I considered the reality that Bach is dead. To be sure, his music is performed and listened to with moderate regularity, but he passed away in 1750. That means that currently his ideas – his immortality through music – has lasted about 270 years beyond his lifetime (about 280 years after publication/performance of The Goldberg Variations). To be certain this is longer than any of our direct thoughts are likely to continue, but it is less than a blink in the 4.5 billions of years of the Earth, and even less in the scope of the universe. To put this idea in context, if the life of the universe was condensed in to a day, Bach’s immortality would have lasted less than 2/1000 of a second of that day – you can check the math:
270 (Bach’s ideas) ¸ 13.8 billion (approximant age of universe) = 0.00000001957…
x24 (hours in a day) = 0.0000004696….
x60 (minutes in an hour) = 0.000028174…
x60 (seconds in a minute) = 0.00169…
Thus my answer of Bach’s “immortality” lasting 1.69/1000 of a second in the 24-hour day of the universe. You can’t even finish the ‘O’ sound in the phrase “One Mississippi”.
Such math nerding doesn’t bare any real significance on this article, but I thought it was fun to put the “immortality” of Bach into perspective – it’s really not that long. That’s not to say his work and other masterpieces should not be venerated, in fact I think it is important such achievements be celebrated as that is how society is encouraged to develop, but in a grander perspective, immortality? – Eh. Time will eventually sand the mark of any existence into infinite oblivion and even the immortal will one day soon be forgotten.
I come to these thoughts as I crisscross stitches because I wonder, “Why the hell am I doing this? Why should I spend hours over what has been taken more than twenty months to make this mediocre work from a mass-produced pattern? To add more to that dilemma of effort, this fabric that could be ruined in an instant by a fire, spilled coffee, destroyed when moving apartments – why do I invest so much effort?”
I used to wrestle with dreams, striving and struggling to find some way to burn away the impossible and inspire new understanding through expression, imagining achievements that would frame my memory to hang in the multigenerational psyche. I wanted to be an Actor/Musician/Storyteller/InsertPerformerHere of great renown, and my small-town upbringing had coddled into thinking I had the ability to be such a star. Perhaps once I did have such talents, or perhaps not, but with regards to whatever might have been, events and choices have led me on unexpected paths, leaving my artistic dreams – all of them – unrealized. My quest for artistic “immortality” has withered into oblivion.
To be sure, new dreams have developed and the instinct to leave something remains – I am writing after all, and cross-stitching. Perhaps the threads I weave won’t last past the next generation, or perhaps they’ll be destroyed before I’ve departed this life, but the (?)human(?) instinct continues – the urge to leave some THING that is robed with the fallacy of permanence. As the sea of X’s slowly expands and covers the cloth, continuing toward my insignificant goal, I can appreciate slothing toward completion, because drifting thoughts have helped me to recognize that it doesn’t matter. Everything will be forgotten, and all that is “me” will dissolve, and that’s okay. Nothing really matters.
photo taken by Lethan Candlish
Nothing matters. It might seem a bleak statement and could lead to depression and/or emo music, but my cross-stitched realization doesn’t take me there. Instead, I find it to be a relief – there’s no pressure. To be sure, I could push myself to be more “productive” and perhaps give more focus to various artistic or financial projects, but even if some of the infinitely elusive genius emerges from my mind, then is granted enough public exposure to gain “immortality”, and moves about the world for the next millennium – that’s nearly 4 times the length of Bach’s ideas – such a farcical fantasy is still far less than an eternal second (just over 6/1000 of a second using the previous formula).
Very important to state that I do not intend for this to be an excuse to give up, I am NOT suggesting do not try things. Attempting, often fumbling yet sometimes succeeding brings excitement, interest, and joy to yourself and the world. Composing a unique piece of art, piecing together new paths of logic, getting a good test grade, finishing a pattern of X’s are all achievements, and such success can and should be celebrated because such a task takes effort, practice, commitment, skill, exploration and learning. These are all attributes that can occur naturally in a person but not without conscious effort. Therefore, overcoming such challenges should be rewarded with some sort of recognition and I’m all about celebrating a job well done. But keep in mind that if something doesn’t come out right, or there’s a lack of inspiration, or you don’t meet your own expectations in a moment, that’s okay – remember that anything you do is at best just a flicker in time – it’s more important for you to enjoy what you do to fill your flicker than to force the creation of a soon to be forgotten monument.
When I lived in South Korea, I became friends with a local band called “Lady Winchester and the…”, there’s a small documentary about their experience on YouTube that I invite you to watch (Click here), but I highlight the lyrics to their song Technical Ability that shout:
…Who’s gonna die,
We are, we are,
Who’s gonna die,
Everybody.
So be happy now,
‘Cause you can’t when you’re dead.
Have a good time all the time…”
Love, Laugh, Celebrate, Create and be free. Permanence is a fantasy, no need to stress about your work, so be happy now.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed you can leave a comment, or share…or not. Your call.
