Returning to Awareness

Hello friends, it’s been a while — been hard at work on my book and figuring out how to get back to my home in the midst of this pandemic.  But now the book is out!  So that gives me some more time to write.  So here’s the first article, I hope you enjoy and look forward to your responses!  And if you’re interested in the book that started with this blog, please click the entry below — I’m really proud of the book and I hope to share it with you!

Now on the the article —

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After my brain injury, there is a moment when I began to remember again — a specific moment when the memory function of my mind decided to start, but when it started this memory recorded only a picture.

— Click — 

And I look at the perspective of this picture and see it’s taken from my wheelchair, in the hospital, sunlight is streaming in, friends and family are also in the room along with laughter in the air.  This is not a movie camera recording, but a frozen frame that, while being silent and still, is filled with jovial energy and action.  And from this moment the timeline of my life was able to continue in my head because, while this memory is just a snapshot, after this were more pictures taken by my brain until the movie camera of my mind was fixed and more complete movie memories began to be recorded.

I highlight this moment because it is when some might say I “woke” after my coma, but there was gasp, my eyes didn’t suddenly pop open, no realization, “Oh my God!  I had brain injury!” Instead, I returned to awareness already knowing I had brain injury, and I had, in fact, been to some extent conscious and interacting with other people for weeks prior to this moment.  I suppose I was retaining a sense of who people are, at least in the case of my doctors and nurses, and I operated in the world with an understanding of my past — but I have no recollection of this time.

So is this moment — the moment I began to remember again — is this the time I “woke”, or did it happen earlier?  Did I “woke” when I opened my eyes for the first time — even though I have no memory of this?  Does the fact that I don’t remember more than pictures for a time after this memory diminish my “wokeness” at this moment?  Does that mean I actually “woke” later, but now I don’t remember what that moment was?

I use these questions to highlight the confusion I feel when I’m asked, “What was it like when you woke from you coma?”  To ask such a question shows a flaw the in the language that is used — the term “woke” implies that a coma is like sleep, and a coma is nothing like that.  Sleep is a time when a person’s body is resting, recharging, and perhaps doing a little bit of healing that is upkeep to make sure all the departments of the body are functioning properly; a coma is when the body is working overtime to repair the brain — the core processing system of the machine.  Using words such as “woke” and other similar language that is commonly used for for talking about sleep when discussing a person being in a coma leads to a misunderstanding of the lifelong physical and mental changes that are happening inside someone who is in a coma after traumatic brain injury.

I write this for two reasons.  First, to point out the flaw in the language used around an injury resulting in a coma — I believe this language can lead to false expectations about the ease of recovery after consciousness returns.  And secondly, I write because I’m curious if other survivors have had a similar experience with the return of memory after brain injury — where there was no moment of suddenly simultaneously regaining memory and consciousness.  I wonder if people had experiences similar to mine of a gradual return to awareness.

From my experience, I believe that most people who experience brain injury do have a slow return to awareness in which consciousness returns first along with some interactions, and then the memory is slowly activated after this, but I recognize that this is a presumption from and I have not yet found research that either confirms or refutes this belief.  So I put the question to survivors — what was your experience of returning to awareness and regaining the ability to store memories?  Please leave your thoughts in the comments below.  Thank you for reading and I look forward to reading what you share.